The Second Arrow

Women that understand this are the women that heal.

We inflict the deeper pain upon ourselves. 

Yes, he was emotionally unavailable/had narcissistic tendencies/was a full blown narcissist.

And yes, because of that, you were a victim to behaviour you are NOT responsible for.

There was a point at which you should have but you didn’t leave, where you saw the red flags and still stayed. You loved him, you saw his little boy hurting, I get it.

But the DEEPER pain you inflict upon yourself is in not letting go.

In fighting for him and loving him despite how much it DEVESTATES you.

Destroys your self esteem and self worth.

Disconnects you from your true, authentic self.

Denies your moving on and healing.

Internal self harm in this way is called the “second arrow” in Buddhism.

When you understand that you’ve pointed the bow and arrow at YOURSELF, you will begin to shift.

When you understand that what's causing you harm is your scared, naive, young inner child, and not your TRUE self, you will find compassion for her.

Come into relationship with her, ask her to put down her weapons.

Tell her to rest now - because you don’t need to fight within yourself anymore.

She needs to feel safe within you, loved, heard, understood. 

She needs YOU to be there for you. Not for you to be clinging to yet another man who has rejected you time and time again.

Lifelong chronic self abandonment takes time to turn around. Like a ship at sea, it takes time to change course, to do a full 180. 

But you've got to turn this ship around, my dear, before it's too late.

Words by Amy Kerr

Art by Christian Schole

The Edge of Dawn (Fire Emblem Three Houses OST)

 Reach for my hand

I'll soar away
Into the dawn
Oh, I wish I could stay

Here in cherished halls
In peaceful days
I fear the edge of dawn
Knowing time betrays

Faint lights pass through colored glass
In this beloved place
Silver shines, the world dines
A smile on each face

As joy surrounds, comfort abounds
And I can feel I'm breaking free
And for a moment lost in time
I am finally me

Yet still I hide
Behind this mask that I have become
My blackened heart
Scorched by flames, a force I can't run from

As I live out
Each peaceful day
Deep in my soul
Oh, I know I can't stay

So, I wish I could hide away
Hold tight to what I love
Keep cruel fate at bay

As the rain falls on your path
I chase your shadow
I don't feel a single drop
Or the ground below

Then you turn to me 
And I stop before I know
And the lie upon my lips
I let it go

Cross my heart
Making vows I know will be betrayed
A sad girl's pleas
Live only for a breath and then they fade

Don't ever take
Back your kind hand
Lest precious love
Slip away like time's sand

Only we will know
All that was lost
Scars that we can't erase
Show us life's true cost

The blue moonlight
Cuts across our sight
As pure and clear as a ringing bell
Reaching for us in the night

As the wind calms my thoughts
I have strung on this terrace
I feel at peace
Carried away by the wind's song

Open the door
And walk away
Never give in
To the call of yesterday

Memories that made
Those days sublime
These ruined halls entomb
Stolen time

Reach for my hand
I'll soar away
Into the dawn
Oh, I wish I could stay

Here in cherished halls
In peaceful days
I fear the edge of dawn
Knowing time betrays

Songwriters: Morishita Hiroki. 

A Dare To Try

We are messy when we get creative

Inspiration is in the chaos not order

As it is easier to find gold in the random

And discovering flowers rising up from mud

Nobody knows how creativity grows or nurtured

It takes a lot of courage and faith - in oneself

To start --- to make, something amazing

A dare, a test --- do we have the guts to try?

In its core, it's a reflection of ourselves 

It is an individual journey, often very lonely

It challenges what we are capable to explore

To learn something new - even at our golden age

A gift just in the nick of time, a surprise

Never occurred to us within our prime

One of our best life's work, a labor of love

That in turn, works best shared with others

Circle of Life

Black feathers, fired up claws and beak

Aware of the stench of hapless despair

Hovering and circling, slowly marking time

A grim symbol of approaching death

Patiently waiting, an ominous image midair

All instinct, no malice, no evil intent

What a fearful omen for eyes everywhere

Draining a life, but to survive ---

Knowing everything must die in the end

Contact

 It starts with a light touch on my shoulder

And as I slowly turn to meet those familiar eyes

That surprising sensation of warmth starts to bloom 

From within me, bubbling upwards into the open

As if waking up from the depths of my being

A feeling that has never left, just kept - forgotten

But now revived, given a new life, another chance

How wonderful - to foster a shared experience

A renewal, a promise, a possibility

Artifact of Misery

Old dust - forgotten, dismal, everywhere

Here in this sordid place, I used to call home

As memories lay heavily suspended in the air

A haunting vestige of past hunger and despair

          A time when nobody cared

In secluded corners and familiar spots,

I catch glimpses of forgotten conversations and secrets

Still echoing sighs of blame, guilt and deep regret

That nobody dares to talk about and just want to forget

          A place riddled with sin and death

 The smell of dried tears thickly permeates the walls

Amidst the stains of unheard screams of anguish and helplessness

All of these render the place older and uglier in one's notion

My own artifact of misery, I dared consign to oblivion

          A past overdue for sincere contrition

What Matters Most

At the end of one's life, we wonder 

What things truly matter?

The things that we bought 

Or what we built with them?

The stuff that we accumulated

Or those we shared with others?

The wealth and fame we achieved

Or our principles, our character? 

Is success measured by popularity

Instead of significance?

We must live a life that matters

Live a life full of love

Because in the end,

We must strive to contribute

And make a positive difference.

Guilt

quiet, 

unassuming 

it lays dormant, 

passive.

am I able to 

silence and ignore it for long?

just have it buried, 

locked, 

and somehow 

forgotten?

oh no, 

it feeds, 

gathering strength, 

it grows

waiting, 

timing, 

planning, 

to rear its hideous head one day.

just when everything feels perfect and happy and done

then, crash!

it starts ---

once revived, 

it spreads, 

it cuts, 

it poisons.

Pinctada

within a dark 

enclosed space

dank and solitary

i mark time 

and experience life 

pulsating around me

constantly 

bombarding  my world

with impurities 

from this vast unknown

with contaminants unrelenting

notwithstanding the carapace

protecting my core

i brace myself

and fortify my home

smothering the intruder

with a constant nacre

of warmth and compassion

until the unwelcomed transforms

to become my beloved

and from within my unattractive form

a precious beauty is miraculously born

Free Fall

With him there is no beginning nor any end,

always just a long overdrawn out middle

full of maybe's and conscious hesitations ---

fearing the claws of men's righteous institutions.

We're on a perpetual tightrope everyday you see,

keeping their many judgmental spotlights at bay,

we jumped in with no safety nets, no insurance policy

just a silent promise, and a mutual understanding,

to fall in together, to be dauntless, and someday be free.

Double-Edged Sword

You 

are both my happiness

and my sorrow,

pushing me to the edge 

of my sanity

to taste 

the wondrous fountain 

of joy 

and the sweet temptation 

of pain.

Armor of Yesterday's Misfortunes

The more words I put down in writing, 
the lighter I feel. 
It's as if I am shedding old skin. 
Skin that has been scarred beyond repair 
and plagued with disease, 
they have proven impossible to heal. 
I have walked around with this burden 
wrapped around me like an armor - 
a hidden weapon waiting to be unleashed. 
I took pride in dragging my past 
as if it is the only way 
that can give me substance, 
give my life any meaning - 
a badge of honor that can somehow 
make me unique than everybody else, 
a magical talisman 
that can help me ward of 
any unfortunate event 
and stay protected 
from the perils of my unknowns. 
Over the years though, 
I have learned that it does not work that way. 
It even became 
my personal magnet of despair and misfortune. 

And so, here I am, trying my best

to put all my scars on paper with ink,

hoping that someday soon

I will be able to soar

and reach my destination

unburdened and finally free.

Hooked

what would you say
if I asked you today
do you want me to stay
and pain to go away?

life gets so crazy
you'll feel less needy
your cares will ebb
... oh so very easily.

yes, my dear,
I am a magician
who can transform you
completely.

it's all up to you
you know what to do
keep me or kick me
I am at your mercy.

Twilight

And so, another twilight comes

and my sleepless night is about to crawl in.

I have not heard from you, for hours

so I am guessing, most of tonight 

will be spent speculating

the why's and why not's once again.

I am so not looking forward

to hours trapped inside my head

full of regrets, if only's and what if's.

Lessons From History

 

If you ever think this will never happen again, rethink
History has a way of cycling back 

   unless we learn and affect change
So let us protect what liberties we have now
And never remain silent and indifferent
If someone's rights are in any way threatened,
Or abused, ignored, and belittled for any reason.
This is how we ensure YOU and YOURS will be protected.
Because down the road, it may happen closer to home
And before we know it, its already US and OURS.
If it exists, it will grow, and if it grows, it will be here.
It is up to all of us to be vigilant, to know when to act
To be present, alert and to finally speak up...
Or else, ready or not, it might happen all over again

Carry On

Have you ever wondered about that road not taken? 

Don't.

It is easy enough to fall down into that rabbit hole

There is a reason why that path is now just a memory

A glimpse of the past and of who you once were

A treasured anecdote that elicit a smile in hindsight

The person you once were, people you've met and places you've been

A tale of dreams you once hatched and later have lost

Look around to where you are and what you have

This life you have now did not happen by mere chance

This is where your heart and your mind led you to be

For we are the sum of the million little choices that we made

We are exactly where we want to be

So take that pebble off your shoe and continue the journey

Cherish what you have accomplished, enjoy this life and carry on

Impaired

 

as night comes
i feel scared
not knowing how
to tell you "no"
it hurts in ways
i can't comprehend
but the feeling
is never meant for you
as the past crawls in
i cannot stop
these awful thoughts
that i am trapped
as i get sucked in
that threatening grip
of my tormented past

Unremarkable

Meeting you wasn't remarkable

There was no chemistry, not a spark,
Our frequency was totally off
Nothing between us hit the mark.
Trust was what made the difference,
Honesty is what made things right
And in the end the feeling just hit me,
I then saw you in a different light.
You're my anchor, you're my rock
You stood by me, no matter what,
Even now, you are here with me
Everyday present, holding my hand.
Love at first sight, did not happen,
That myth was not for you and me,
We got something so much better,
Love that endured time, constant, 

 loving unconditionally.

The Meeting

She was to see an old friend, of whom she has lost sight for eighteen years.

At one time he was her most intimate friend, one whom she was able to bare her young soul and also her heart. One of a handful of friends who knew her thoughts, with whom she passed long, insightful, happy conversations, to whom she told some of her secret dreams, and who was able to draw out from her those rare, ingenious, delicate thoughts born of that similar woeful circumstance they shared.

For a short while, they shared thoughts and dreams together; liked the same things, had believed the same socio-political principles, admired the same authors, trembled with the same sensations, and very often laughed at the same individuals, whom they understood completely by merely exchanging a glance.

Then he left. He left, quite suddenly, to attend a different school too far for them to continue their afternoon conversations. That intelligent, clever young fellow whom she has made a unique connection has gone away. She cannot understand why these things have to happen. No doubt his family had hoped for a better future for their firstborn, they have sent him in this far away place where both of them can no longer see nor talk to each other again.

What would he be like when she meets him again? Still lively, witty, light-hearted and enthusiastic, or in a state of social torpor induced by a long and difficult academic life? A man may change greatly in the course of eighteen years!

The taxi stopped in front of the coffee house, and as he got out of the cab, a weary-looking man wearing a formal shirt and a black laptop bag rushed up to her with an exhausted look, apologizing: "Sorry, I'm late" she smiled at him, but she did not immediately recognize him, and then she said, in stride: "Don't I even get a smile and a hug?" And he replied with a laugh:

"What did you expect? Long work hours, traffic, too much deadlines and a boss that won't get off my back! Work, work and more work, that is my existence!"

She looked at him closely, trying to discover in that weary face the features she held so dear. His eyes alone had changed, but she still saw the same expression in them, and she said to herself: "If the expression be the reflection of the mind, the thoughts in that head are still what they used to be; those thoughts which I knew so well."

Yet his eyes were dull, brooding and almost always anxious about something, but they still have that clear, intelligent expression which shows as much as words the brightness of the intellect. Suddenly he said:

"I apologize for being so late, I had to meet with a client on my way out of the office plus the traffic on the way here is much worse than I have expected."

He said this in a proud, self-satisfied, almost triumphant manner, and she felt a profound sense of sadness, mingled with a feeling of vague resentment, for this vainglorious individual.

"I know a place where we can eat, I am starving, you ready?"

They set off away from the center of the city, a noisy, crowded amalgam of people, shops and merchandise, where everything seems to be bright and moving. He carried her heavy overnight bag as if he has done it a thousand times before, as if it is the most natural thing for him to do. It made her feel a bit uncomfortable, she can't understand why. She felt nervous and at the same time giddy as she fall in step to that old familiar feeling she thought she lost years ago...

Finally

let go

breathe

I never thought I'll make it here

but here I am

finally

free of you

and the weight burdening my heart

is thankfully 

gone.

I had my doubts

that this can ever happen

but here I am

and I did.

Pessimist

 

plump up on sugar
bust out  your eyes
hypnotized by the screen
for the rest of your lives
puff on those smokes
gobble more pills
dry out the alcohol
your life for cheap thrills
ingest those toxins
inhale those fumes
this Millennial generation
might be headed for doom

The Unborn

I am but a small voice
    in a sea
    of shouting indignation
everyone clamoring
    for attention,
    demanding what is theirs.


But what about me?
    a voice unheard,
         unseen,
         unable to comprehend,
         much less demand ---
    just a passive recipient
         of whatever comes

         from your hand. 

Consequence of Silence

Hatred is scattering its potent seeds
Aimed at tired and indifferent minds
People both too young and too old to care 
Become complacent, cowards, deaf and blind.

See the gloom spreading like an old cancer

Poisoning each and every single thought

With our backs turned and our eyes averted

We go about these endless days aimlessly lost.

Our lips sealed, too scared to be seen or heard

Or else walk about branded as troublemakers

Stir up that pot that nobody wants to taste

Our stomachs grumbling for a deeper hunger.

A taste for good old justice, equality and truth

Have we forgotten the power of our collective voices?

Our chorus of alternative choices that can shed light

If we come together, impassioned, aware, undeterred.

Speak up! Get involved and start to care again!

This is our homeland, our future and our strife!

We should never trade it over for words left unsaid

Or the consequence of our silence is our lives!

Try

 

Fear kills more dreams
than failure ever will
so go out there and try
and feel proud that you did.

In a few years you will look back
while remembering how you felt,
don't feel bad, keep your chin up
you did your best, with what is dealt.

Wounds

 

the hardest thing in life
is to watch someone you love
love someone else
but, to be lied about it
that is a needless blow

look me in the eyes
and admit it you coward!
don't pretend you still care
don't continue to insult me
with your deceptive words
and poison my heart further
you stabbed me in the heart
now you cry about your wounds?

this is the thing about betrayal ---
dismally, it never comes
from one's enemy
the more you care
the deeper the wound

It Is Time

 

Be here
or be gone
there is no
in between
I have begged
but no more
the end,
it starts here
I have dreamt
now I wake
woeful still
and alone
It is time
to restart
without you
and move on.

Uncertain

 
We stood there, not moving for a while
sweaty palms, nervous hearts
looking at each other
uncertain of what to do next.

We are here, and now, face to face
both anxious, unsure and afraid
as we search for a hint of hesitation.
Are we looking to find
even a slight glimmer of doubt?

Holding each other's gaze
he weakly smiled, leaned close to me
and reached for the door
I heard a soft click
and I swallowed hard.

Slowly, deliberately,
he wrapped his arms around me.
Unbidden, sorrow welled up inside
as I tried to blink back tears ---
He is false hope,
her love, not mine...

Suddenly, I feel a warm hand cup my face
and as I lifted my gaze
to stare back at those eyes
full of love and kindness,
I feel the warmth of his touch
spread through my whole body.